D is for Daddy and Dogs

It will be six years ago on June 8 that I lost my beloved daddy.

I remember at first the doctors thought he had severe IBS. I have IBS. I said to my daddy "You don't faint from IBS. You may get a little dizzy sometimes but I've never heard of a person fainting from it." Dad continued to have fainting spells, and he continued to go for more tests. He told me it wasn't cancer. A few weeks later he told me that it is,in fact, cancer-Leukemia. I went silent on thephone and then my voice dropped as I spoke to him on the phone.

At the time dad was living in Arizona. He came to New York to go to the prestigious Memorial Sloan Kettering for treatment. There it was discovered that on top of the Leukemia dad also had Amyloidosis. Dad almost had a bone marrow transplant there, but for whatever reason he told me they told him they couldn't do it.

Through everything dad never lost his sense of humor. I had visited dad one day at Sloan Kettering. On the movable table that they use to serve him food and drink was a sanitary napkin. I looked at my dad and said "Ok I'll bite. Why is there a sanitary napkin on your table?" He replied ,"I have my period." It was good to have a good laugh.

When there was no more that could really be done dad and my step mom went back to Arizona. Dad was in a hospital there dying. I got the call from my step mom saying to come. I told them I booked a seat on Greyhound. (I don't fly and Amtrak was too expensive). I was terrified of the ride and that he might die before I got there. Once I got there, I saw my dad. We talked. I told him I love him and that he will always be my knight in shining armor. Then something happened that, while I could not control it, I will never forgive myself for. I had the world's worst panic attack. Dad said if you want you can go home. I was shocked that he even thought that. I did. I went home. That was the stupidest thing I've ever done! I should've been there! He's one of my heroes and I should've been there!

On the morning of June 8th, I called daddy at the hospital. I asked him how he was and he replied that he felt like he was going to throw up and that he'll call me back later. That would be the last time I heard my daddy's voice. Dad died of a massive heart attack that the Amyloidosis brought on, not from the Leukemia. The doctors found daddy on the floor.
I still talk to my daddy like he's here. There are pictures in almost every room. In fact in this room, there is a picture of my daddy with Mario Cuomo, former governor of New York, who's son Andrew is now governor. I still cry every now and then and sometimes I have awful flashbacks to the stupid panic attack I had. Dad often appears to me in dreams. I love you so much daddy!!!

I miss the days when I was a kid, and everyone was alive and happy. The only really unhappy part of my childhood was school, but I did get a great education. There was a lot of bullying through high school. At one time in high school, this kid through me against a locker and tried to kiss me. I went to the office. I identified the kid. Originally they weren't going to do much of anything. They didn't listen to my mother. So dad got on the horn and told them this is not acceptable...the kid didn't get expelled, but he did get a week or two of 10th period detention, and boy did he leave me alone after that. There were a lot of times in middle and high school when dad stepped in because little or nothing was being done. I don't know why they wouldn't listen to me the "victim" or my mother, but everytime dad stepped up they listened.

Dad and I used to wake up early on Sunday mornings and go to MacDonald's for a breakfast together. Then we'd go either to Meier's farm or Hick's nursery in the warmer months, or even Channel Home Centers. In front of Channel there used to be a pony ride. I have a pic of dad holding me on the pony. Dad and I used to have a vegetable garden on the side of the house. I miss him so much!

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Both sides of my family have always loved dogs. So when I was a kid we adopted Lady I, a jet black German Shepard/Collie Mix. We were the closest of friends. There are pictures of us on the couch with her holding me. We did everythign together. Then one day, I was looking outside for something I guess, and I held the door open. I didn't realize Lady was behind me. She ran out the front door and we never found her. I cried for months on end. How could she leave me? I can only hope she found a new family to live with.

At first I didn't want to get another dog. No one could replace Lady. Then daddy and I went to one of the shelters here on Long Island. We asked if they had any German Sheppard/Collie puppies. They had a buttload. The first thing I did was look for a little jet black baby girl. Dad was like are you sure? I said yes. He directed my eyes to the doggie that was eating my shoelaces as the little black dog was trying to get away from me, and did. This other doggie was multicolored (black, white, and tan) and she looked up at me with the cutest puppy eyes and said "Take me home." Okay she didn't really say that, but her eyes said that.

There's a "famous" pic of Lady, me and my daddy in the backyard smiling. I love this pic.

At first it was hard to play with Lady II because I thought in away I was cheating on Lady I. LadyII had a hard time adjusting to our house and our lifestyle. She tore a lot of things up...the couch still has claw marks. (laughing here). Anyway, dad and mom threatened to get rid of Lady and I said "If you get rid of her, you get rid of me too." We had become best friends.
We did everything together. We walked together. We chased each other around the back yard like nutjobs together. We laughed. We cried. We watched TV together (quick aside: Lady hated when I watched dog shows. She thought I thought they were better than her or that I was looking for another dog, even though I explained that I was rooting for her heritage-German Shepards and Collies. Also, when we finally got Animal Planet, the Planets Funniest Animals became a family favorite. Mom, the dog, and I would sit downstairs and watch it together). We played poker together, and some how she always won. I'm not telling you every thing we did together-it would make this blog even longer.

Lady had very bad arthritis in her hips. One summer I had a dream that her mom, a collie (I have no idea who her mom and dad are), said to me "thank-you for taking such good care of my baby." I knew then that I was going to lose my baby dog at some point. The summer went on and we had great times still, even though Lady's health was deteriorating. I loved to massage the doggie and brush her furs. It may have felt great to her, but it felt great to me too. I even massaged her hips. At one point she had a skin tumor removed from her thigh-it was huge! Then she had a severe urinary infection. Then she had trouble getting up. So she went for cortisone shots and was on Rimadyl. I didn't think Lady was going to walk on her own again. We had helped her up manually, meaning mom or I would get behind her and help her up.

On Valentine's day, I had bought her a stuffed heart with Xs and Os on it. She was and still is my furry valentine! She looked so sad at first when I handed her the heart. I said what's wrong Odles? (My dogs were nick named Ladyodles.) Then she smiled. I think she was tickled that I thought of her on Valentine's Day.

Now Lady and I shared the same birthday. The lady at the shelter had said she was born around the 17th or 18th of February. So naturally we chose the 18th. We used to share a plain donut on our birthday. Once we got her a slew of treats and I arranged them in a maze downstairs and she scooped them up and in order too! On her very last birthday, I bought her a doggie bed, which is still in my room. I told her to lay on it and it would relieve some of the pain in her hips and help her get up a little. She was reluctant at first. I had made her all these pillows and she was like wow this one is kind of large. Anyway, one day I came into my room and there was Lady laying on the doggie bed with just her rear on the bed. I said "See, doesn't that help the pain alittle?" She smiled. She had the greatest smile ever!

A few months went by and Lady was having more accidents around thehouse, which I didn't mind cleaning. However, in May of 2003 she did walk again with no help from me. I guess that was a compromise from G-d. I asked for a miracle in curing Lady--well she wasn't cured, but she WALKED! Soon after that Lady's health began to decline. In June, I couldn't even touch her without her being in pain! On June 25th 2003 mom said hey it's time, meaning we had to put her down.

I will never let anyone convince me to do that again. I feel like a murderer. Only G-d decides who lives and dies. This is not the peoples' job!

I had to go to grief counselling for people who lost their pets. Let me tell you-I healed in about a month or so. The reason I healed so quickly was because 1. they gave me ways to deal with the grief and 2. some of those people scared the living daylights out of me. I won't tell you the stories. When dad passed in 2005 I took what I learned in that grief group and applied it. It doesn't mean the pain goes away. I lost three of my best friends. It just means that I can handle it better. And being the spiritual person I am, I talk to them all still and they appear to me in dreams. This helps me a lot.

This blog was the first time I wrote about my Dad's death. I left somethings out. It's still hard to write about, but this is part of healing a little more.